Monday, December 1, 2008

Everything is bad

It's been a fairly long time since I've had one of these days. I should have known it was coming. After all, some of these breakdowns are predictable. PMS brings them on--gotta always remember to take it easy during that time of the month. Bad weather pulls me down too. And coming home from trips. The first day back is hell.

Last week we went to Minnesota to visit my sister and we had a great time. We went to the Mall of America, ate tons of turkey, chopped down a real live Christmas tree (the tree farm kept telling us this was so much more environmentally friendly, but I'm not so sure. I mean, come on, trees are the best thing this planet has going for it and chopping it down is good?), and somebody else was always there to help with the kids and clean up the messes. I liked it. A lot.

Now we're home. I was happy to be back to my house with all my stuff--especially the various books and things reminding me of writing projects I've got waiting. I was even happy when I got up this morning. Well, not happy really but not sad either. I was doing all right.

As the day has gone on things have just piled up and I'm remembering why being a mother is the most frustrating thing in the world. It feels like the absolute definition of insanity. After all every day I do the same things over and over (like the dishes, the laundry, telling the children to not scream at each other or hurt the baby) and every day I expect it to make a difference. And it never does. The house is always a mess, the laundry is never done, my children still argue all the time, and I'm always tired. Nothing changes.

I know that people say that this is only a phase of life and I'll miss it when it's gone. I'll wish for these days back. But right now all I want to do is hide. But I can't hide. There are too many other people to answer to. So instead of hiding I yelled at everyone and made them cry. The kids are in their rooms and I'm blogging while listening to John Mayer's version of "Free Fallin'" over and over again. In my brain the song is about suicide and I find listening to it strangely comforting. I am so pathetic.

My husband is working from home today and he hates it when I get like this. He doesn't know what to do and neither do I. I'm so useless.

I've got to snap out of this but I don't know how. The more I sit the more I find myself thinking scary thoughts and wishing my brain wouldn't go there but not knowing how to make it quit. I wish this was a happy blog entry. I wish I had inspiring words to tell you all and say that there is something that makes it so days like this don't happen. But they do. No matter how hard you try the bad days still roll around. And they suck.

Well, I'm gonna get off the computer and call my therapist. I should be able to get an appointment for this week. Talking it out always helps. And after that I'm going to find a quiet corner to sit and tell myself that "this too shall pass" until I believe it.

9 comments:

Stephen said...

You're right, this will pass. Tomorrow is a new day, and there's a whole night between now and then. I'm sorry your feeling so yucky and pray you'll feel better soon!

Charlotte said...

Wow, what an amazingly honest post. I am so sorry that today was so difficult for you! I know exactly the kind of day you are describing; I have them too. And they do suck. Thank you for sharing the messy middle with us - it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who has days like that!
PS> I love that John Mayer cover!!

Heathie said...

Oh, Laura! I just want to give you a great big hug!

Elizabeth-W said...

Wishing you thoughts for a better day tomorrow.

Lorena said...

I just happened across your blog, and want to tell you that when my children were little (four under five), I felt like you do the majority of the time. Some things that helped me:
1) I needed more sleep. I should have slept so much more and not felt guilty about it. I don't know how you find the time, but if you can - sleep.
2) Blue light. I know now that part of my depression was the lack of light in Seattle, where we were living at the time. I now have a blue light, and it helps. The brand I have is goLITE.
3) Hire help. This may not be possible, but I finally did hire help when my children were little and it helped me get through - to have a few hours every day where I could do something to use my mind instead of just mundane household tasks.
4) Hang on by the skin of your teeth. Don't give up! It does pass, and my children are older now and I don't have days like that anymore. It does get BETTER!
5) You character will change for the better because of this experience - at least mine did. I have more empathy and am much less judgmental.

Your honest blog will help so many people. Thank you, and you have sisters out there that are with you!

Breakdown said...

All the things I could say, but most seem to be really chiche. So I'll say it in Spanish, Aguanta porque manana sera mejor, sino el dia sigiente.

sarah louise said...

I don't blog much about my inner struggle with anxiety and depression. I wish I could sometimes, but I don't know how to explain what I am feeling. Wow reading this post helped me so much. You said exactly everything I feel more or less on a daily basis.
I also live in a neighborhood and ward where no one I know struggles with these issues like I do (at least none that have admitted it in the last 8 years we have been here). I feel very lonely sometimes and like I am somehow weird for the thoughts that go through my head. This depression thing is a very lonely disease! So I am just trying to say thank you. It helps to know you are not alone. Thank you for having the courage to express your thoughts on this blog. You are a big help to many people!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I, too, suffer from depression. I remeber the days of little sleep, a house that was always a wreck, and tasks that were never done. That part gets better as the kids get older. I worry about the sanity of those who tell us that we will miss those days. While I do miss my little ones (who are now parents), I DO NOT miss the mess, lack of sleep, or other hazards that went with it.

You are doing well to ask for help when you need it.If I could change anything about those days
9besides the obvious of getting rid of the depression), I would fret less about messes, accept that they are part of where I was in life and enjoy the beauty of my children more.

It does help that my son called me tonight to apologize for being a pill as a child. I laughed, because I remember calling my mother and thanking her for not killing me as a child 'cuz I was such an onery kid. She laughed, too. --Norma

Lura said...

"...I'm remembering why being a mother is the most frustrating thing in the world. It feels like the absolute definition of insanity. After all every day I do the same things over and over (like the dishes, the laundry, telling the children to not scream at each other or hurt the baby) and every day I expect it to make a difference. And it never does. The house is always a mess, the laundry is never done, my children still argue all the time, and I'm always tired. Nothing changes."

Thank you so much for this! It's exactly how I feel much of the time. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I wonder, do ALL moms feel this way? Anyway, thanks! I don't know why it helps. I guess because when I do feel that way, I really feel like a failure, and since I look up to you and don't think of you as a failure, it makes me feel a little better about myself. Thanks for such an honest post!