It's been a fairly long time since I've had one of these days. I should have known it was coming. After all, some of these breakdowns are predictable. PMS brings them on--gotta always remember to take it easy during that time of the month. Bad weather pulls me down too. And coming home from trips. The first day back is hell.
Last week we went to Minnesota to visit my sister and we had a great time. We went to the Mall of America, ate tons of turkey, chopped down a real live Christmas tree (the tree farm kept telling us this was so much more environmentally friendly, but I'm not so sure. I mean, come on, trees are the best thing this planet has going for it and chopping it down is good?), and somebody else was always there to help with the kids and clean up the messes. I liked it. A lot.
Now we're home. I was happy to be back to my house with all my stuff--especially the various books and things reminding me of writing projects I've got waiting. I was even happy when I got up this morning. Well, not happy really but not sad either. I was doing all right.
As the day has gone on things have just piled up and I'm remembering why being a mother is the most frustrating thing in the world. It feels like the absolute definition of insanity. After all every day I do the same things over and over (like the dishes, the laundry, telling the children to not scream at each other or hurt the baby) and every day I expect it to make a difference. And it never does. The house is always a mess, the laundry is never done, my children still argue all the time, and I'm always tired. Nothing changes.
I know that people say that this is only a phase of life and I'll miss it when it's gone. I'll wish for these days back. But right now all I want to do is hide. But I can't hide. There are too many other people to answer to. So instead of hiding I yelled at everyone and made them cry. The kids are in their rooms and I'm blogging while listening to John Mayer's version of "Free Fallin'" over and over again. In my brain the song is about suicide and I find listening to it strangely comforting. I am so pathetic.
My husband is working from home today and he hates it when I get like this. He doesn't know what to do and neither do I. I'm so useless.
I've got to snap out of this but I don't know how. The more I sit the more I find myself thinking scary thoughts and wishing my brain wouldn't go there but not knowing how to make it quit. I wish this was a happy blog entry. I wish I had inspiring words to tell you all and say that there is something that makes it so days like this don't happen. But they do. No matter how hard you try the bad days still roll around. And they suck.
Well, I'm gonna get off the computer and call my therapist. I should be able to get an appointment for this week. Talking it out always helps. And after that I'm going to find a quiet corner to sit and tell myself that "this too shall pass" until I believe it.