In case my sister-in-law decides to read my blog . . .

I feel like I should explain why I have this blog. So, Heather, this is for you!

I decided that I needed to blog for a few reasons. Reason number one: I felt like I needed to spend more time writing in order to improve my craft. Not that blogs are all that arty, but, for me, the more I work at writing the better I am articulating myself.

Reason number two: I'm not in therapy at the moment and when I write, about anything really, it relieves my mental pressure. It makes me feel less lonely and more alive--both of which combat my depression.

Reason number three (and this is the big one): I feel like LDS women, and men I suppose, are still reticent to talk about depression as a chronic illness and a fact of life. I registered this blog after having a conversation with my sister about a young mother in her ward. This particular woman, let's call her Molly (as in Molly Mormon), is currently having marital problems, financial problems, and is really struggling keeping up with her life. After they chatted for awhile my sister asked Molly if she felt she was depressed. My sister suggested she might need a little professional help to get through her current struggles. Molly laughed and said something to the effect of, "There is no way I'm going to be that girl." When asked what she meant by this Molly said that she didn't want to be one of those Mormon women who had to pop a pill every morning because they couldn't deal with life.

Now how the conversation went from there, I'm not really sure. Maybe Molly really wasn't depressed and didn't need help. If so, good for her. But what struck me about their conversation was that even if Molly had needed help, she was unwilling to get it simply because of some nebulous, negative stereotype. What exactly does she think it means to have depression? If she knew me, would she think less of me for having an illness and accepting help? And, what if she really does need professional help, whether in the form of medicine or therapy (which pretty much everyone can benefit from)? Is she unwilling to get it because it would, well, mean asking for help, and good LDS women don't do that?

Unfortunately, I don't think the young mommy in my sister's ward is alone in her perception. And that's why I started this blog. Maybe, by adding my voice to the discussion, the stereotype would start to fall apart. Maybe, other people would start to talk too. Maybe we could all start to offer and accept meaningful assistance when it was truly needed. Maybe being depressed wouldn't be so bad after all.

Of course, for all that to happen, I need some readers. But that's a whole other kettle of fish!

One book down, 51 to go!

Well, the first book I read wasn't on my list but it was well worth it. It was a non-fiction book called The Imp of the Mind and was written by a psychologist named Lee Baer. The book, as it subtitle says, explores the silent epidemic of obsessive bad thoughts. Dr. Baer defines bad thoughts simply as unbidden, socially unacceptable thoughts. As an example from his own mind he offered the fact that every time he sees someone driving a pickup truck with a dog in the back, the image of the dog being thrown from the truck and run over by his own car enters his mind. It's not that he actually wants to hurt the dog, but that the image comes into his mind and he can't shake it. He says that this is really normal and that most people have something like this. Occassional bad thoughts strike everyone, but, and this is why his book is important, for some people these bad thoughts take over and can destroy their lives. People suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulisve Disorder, depression, and especially post-partum depression (that's me! that's me!) are extremely susceptible to this disorder.

The book details the different types of bad thoughts and ways to combat them, but I suppose what I found most valuable was just his willingness to bring this subject to light. In his first chapter he details the struggles a new mother has with bad thoughts about her infant and it was as if he had been inside my head. At first I was horrified to have these very dark and frightening thoughts articulated--heaven knows I spent a lot of time hiding from them. To be honest, I had never even told my therapists about them. I had heard that Brooke Shields mentions them in her book on PPD, Down Came the Rain, but seeing as I'm terrified of reading her book I wasn't sure. To have Dr. Baer talk about them in such an open way really took a lot of their power away.

I don't know that this is a book I would recommend to people at large, but I found it valuable. And I would readily recommend it to anyone who suffers from any of them above conditions. It's always nice to know you're not alone, and that you're not as crazy as you think you are :)

A book a day keeps the crazies away!

Well, okay, I can't read one book every day, but I have set a goal this year to read one book a week. That's right, 52 weeks, 52 books. I already have a few titles selected, but I would love recommendations! Leave me a comment and let me know what you are reading.

Here's the first bunch I've chosen, in no particular order:

1.A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 1 (by B. H. Roberts)
2. A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 2
3. A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 3
4. A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 4
5. A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 5
6. A Comprehensive History of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints volume 6
7. Charlie’s Monument (ward book club selection)
8. Enna Burning
9. Not in Vain: the story of Ellis Shipp (possible ward book club selection—I’m reviewing it)
10. Musicophilia: tales of music and the brain (neighborhood book group selection)
11. The House of Mirth (neighborhood book group selection)
12. Love in the Time of Cholera (neighborhood book group selection)
13. The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade (neighborhood book group selection)
14. Our Mutual Friend (neighborhood book group selection)
15. Wives and Daughters (neighborhood book group selection)
16. Pillars of the Earth (neighborhood book group selection)
17. The Beautyful One Are Not Yet Born (neighborhood book group selection)
18. All Quiet on the Western Front (neighborhood book group selection)
19. The Woman in White (neighborhood book group selection)
20. Wild Swans—three daughters of China (neighborhood book group selection)
21. USA by John Dos Passos (vol 1)
22. USA by John Dos Passos (vol 2)
23. USA by John Dos Passos (vol 3)
24. Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov
25. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut