Mmm . . .Cilantro . . .mmm

Nothing says summer like fresh herbs and salad--which is exactly what came in my first CSA box. Actually, it was a lot of salad. As in five heads. Half our box. The other half was spinach and cilantro. There were also a few onions, some celery, rhubarb, and garlic scapes. Most of the lettuce I gifted to some neighbors since there is no way our family could eat five heads in one week. Well, we could try but we'd probably make ourselves sick. (Salad shooter, anyone? Sorry. It's an old joke that Husband's family used to tell.) Most of the spinach I froze because I use it in everything from meatloaf to spaghetti to omelets. The rhubarb got made into freezer jam (which was so simple it was like falling off a horse. That was a bad analogy. Quick, somebody call the analogy police!). The onions and celery I just stuck in the fridge. There were only a few scapes so I figured I'd just use them like regular garlic.

That left the cilantro. A lot of cilantro. Between what I harvested from our own herb garden and the pile we got in our box I had a large mixing bowl full of the fragrant greens. Calling allrecipes.com!

I am not so good in the kitchen. I don't so much cook as I experiment. So, allrecipes.com is a must for me. I love their website but, truth to be told, I have a hard time telling a good recipe from a bad one. I am also willing to eat any number of new foods--as long as they involve lots of veggies. Cilantro, me, and allrecipes.com are a match made in heaven (or spirit prison, depending on how you feel about cilantro). Anyway, I found a couple recipes I liked: Cilantro Lime Dressing and Cilantro Pesto. My whole family liked the dressing, except for Number 1 who categorically hates cilantro. The pesto was a toss up. I enjoyed it, as did Number 2 and Number 3. The baby actually had two helpings. But Husband did not. And of course, Number 1 categorically hates cilantro so you can guess what she had to say.

I bring all this up for two reasons. 1)To give you all relief from the pity party I've been holding for my poor, hormonal self. 2) Because it made me happy! Honestly, I was surprised how much the kitchen activity lifted my spirits. Maybe it was just the energy of the chopping and rinsing or maybe all the good herby smells (anyone else read this article about pot and depression?), but I felt better. So who knows. Maybe the next time you're feeling down spend some time "experimenting" (or actually cooking, if you are that good!)in the kitchen. It just might help--especially if you use chocolate!

Five Years and Counting!

Prepare yourselves, readers. This post is going to be a mishmash. See, my oldest turned five yesterday and the night before her birthday I was feeling so good. Husband and I went out to celebrate our anniversary--all the fun happens at once!--and I was thinking about how our marriage has grown (seven years and no itch!) and how much our family has grown. Three kids (the picture above was taken last Easter. This is my last parenthetical notation for at least a paragraph. I promise) feels like a lot but on Wednesday night I was feeling the love of the Lord and was grateful for all the joys and challenges my kids brought with them.

I was feeling so good I was planning a post all about how even though I get PPD with every baby and it seems to be getting worse each time that I knew the worst was behind me and I felt like I had finally made what Elder Maxwell called "The Great Pivot". I was on the up and up.

Then Thursdady morning came and I woke up groggy, but we made chocolate chip pancakes anyway and sang to Number 1 anyway. I love her and I am glad she was born, even if mothering has brought on some of the darkest days of my life, and I wanted to celebrate with her. We'd had a "friend party" last Saturday but I still wanted to mark the actual day. Unfortunately, even though the pancakes were chocolatey delicious the day went downhill from there.

Maybe it's because I was subconsciously reliving her birth (which was traumatic) or maybe it's because we had a check-up for Number 3 and he had fallen another rung on the growth chart--he's gone from the 50 percentile to the tenth in five months--and the doctor is starting to get worred. Or maybe it's because Number 2 is crazy jealous when it comes to Number 1's birthday stuff and so she's been tantrum-ing nonstop. Or maybe it's because my hormones are wild and my medicine doesn't seem to be working. Either way, at lunch I found myself screaming at my kids and wishing I could just escape from it all.

By dinner I was a basket case. I'll spare you the details (mostly because I'm too embarrassed to write it and because they are a little scary--don't worry; no one got hurt) but I was in sore need of a blessing when Husband came home. Number 1 was so sad she said to me, "When you act like this it makes me think you forgot it's my birthday and it's supposed to be a good day." Guilt, anyone? I cried a lot last night.

Anyway, I have a tradition of writing letters to my kids on their birthdays. I try to summarize the ways they've changed in the last year and I detail my favorite things about them. I stick them in their journals--which I try to write in monthly. (I'm not sure why. No one's life needs to be documented that well!) To be honest writing Number 1's birthday letter has been a bit of challenge this year. I wrote her a letter but it felt a little disingenuine since we've had such a rough time lately. So here's the letter I wanted to write but didn't. Maybe I'll let her read it someday. Maybe not.

Dear Number 1,

Mommy here. I feel like I owe you an explanation but I'm not sure where to start. I guess I also owe you an apology so maybe I'll start there.

I'm sorry. Today was your birthday and I wanted it to be a great day. But it wasn't. Sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you. You didn't deserve it, but there are times I get overwhelmed and don't know what to do and that's when yelling happens. It doesn't change how much I love you or how proud I am of you. It just means I made a poor choice.

I AM proud of you. It's been a rough year, this last one. You've had a hard time adjusting to Number 3, but you have still been an awesome sister. You really do help me a lot. You light up our family with your songs and dances. I love you and can't imagine my life without you.

If you find that last statement hard to believe it's probably because I screwed you up somehow. See, baby, Mommy has troubles and sometimes I take them out on you even though I shouldn't. Please believe that I am trying my very hardest to be the kind of mommy you want and deserve. But when I fall short, which I inevitably do, try to remember that I'm only human and that it honestly doesn't change my love for you.

I wish I could explain all this better but I can't. I'll need a lot more therapy before I have that much insight! I want you to know, though, that God loves you too and Jesus atoned for all this and that Their love can make this all okay. I wish I could tell you that this won't happen again, but I can't. Mommies make mistakes, but God doesn't and when He put our family together He knew what was going to happen. Somehow or other I have to believe that this is part of His plan and that if we trust Him it will work out.

I LOVE YOU! Maybe if I say it enough it will make up for the mistakes that I make.

Love,

Mommy

All weaning! All the time!

I'm feeling blue today. I'm hoping I'll pull out of it in a little bit. My kids have only been awake for 45 minutes and I've already turned the TV on. Maybe blogging it out will help.

My baby weaned himself last week, cold turkey--which is also known as the "Ow ow ow ow OW! Method". I was really surprised. Last Wednesday he woke up from his afternoon nap and instead of snuggling up and gazing at me with dreamy eyes, he pushed and writhed and bit me. When he drew blood I gave up. I figured he wasn't hungry and I'd try again later. Well, even at his usual nighttime feedings he still refused. He'd wake up but he wouldn't nurse. After he drew blood three or four times and emphatically told me "All done!" (his only words besides Mama and Dada) I gave up. Actually, I said, "You bet you're done. As in FOREVER!" I was little peeved.

Since last Wednesday I've pretty much been talking and thinking about it nonstop. (All weaning! All the time! Sorry friends!)My OB is pretty convinced that the nursing hormones have something to do with my PPD. Which is one reason I'm supposed to stay on my antidepressant for the whole first year of my baby's life. We are waiting for my milk to dry up and my menses to return so that the antidepressant can smooth out those hormonal transitions since I take them so hard. I wondered what abrupt weaning was going to do to my hormones, so I googled it. There seems to be a consensus. Even Dr. Sears says abrupt weaning can cause depressives episodes.

Most doctors/researchers seem to believe that it is the sudden drop in oxytocin levels that brings on sadness when weaning. Oxytocin, which plays a role in bonding and feelings of love (think of that glow after sex), contributes to overall wellbeing and is familiar to most people. Interestingly enough, though, there is another hormone that that has do with nursing and depression. Prolactin is the hormone that regulates milk production. It is the hormone that makes a pregnant woman's breasts grow (it enlarges her mammary glands) and it is the hormone that produces the milk after the baby is born. The thing that is surprising about prolactin is that it inhibits dopamine production--an important "happy hormone" in the brain. It would seem that pregnant and lactating women swap one kind of happy hormone for another. The other thing that struck me as I read about prolactin was that antidepressants slight raise prolactin levels in the body, ostensibly lowering levels of dopamine. Anyway, I don't have any real conclusions to draw from all this. I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist (I know you all are surprised by that admission.), but it has convinced me that what is going on in my body is complicated so it's okay to give myself a break. If the kids watch a little extra TV, well, at least it PBSkids so it's "educational", right? TV is definitely preferable to me yelling at them.

I think the other reason I'm taking this so hard, besides the pain and the mess (yesterday was the first day since Wednesday that I didn't have to change my shirt due to milk leakage), is that I'm feeling pretty rejected. I know Number 3 didn't mean it that way. He is almost a year old so this was to be expected, but I just feel like he was telling me he didn't need me anymore or that I wasn't meeting his needs well enough. I sort of feel like I failed. Now, cognitively I know that those things aren't true but it is how I feel. It's just hard to see him giving those loving looks to a sippy cup instead of me. Oh well, at least he still likes to cuddle when I put him down for sleep.

Things just change so fast these days. A lot of the time I feel like I can't keep up with it. Every time I get a handle on where my kids are and what they need, they change. Sometimes I doubt my ability to adapt. It just takes so much energy! The truth of motherhood, though, is that the work never stops. Regardless of my abilities I have to keep trying because there is no other choice. It doesn't matter how many times I fail (or succeed) new opportunities constantly present themselves. I think it was Yoda who said, "There is no try. Only do." (My hubby is fond of that one.) Or as God said, "Unto whom much is given, much is required" (D&C 82:3). Use the force, Laura!