"I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me."
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
-Just one. And his mother.
-Just one, but it takes nine visits.
-None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
-"How many do you think it takes?"
-"How long have you been having this fantasy?"