Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It was the strangest thing . . .

Yesterday after I posted I tried a number of things to break up the depressed-thought-cycle but nothing was working. When I found myself standing in the kitchen contemplating my selection of knives I knew whatever I was doing wasn't enough. Since my husband was working from home I decided to ask him for a blessing. When he distractedly looked up and asked, "Why?" he got waaaay more of answer than he had bargained for.

After crying so hard I made my nose bleed (seriously. Who knew you could do that?) and getting the kids somewhat settled he gave me the blessing. As he pulled out a chair he said, "I don't exactly know how to give this kind of blessing."

"What's that supposed to mean? It's just a blessing," I snapped.

"Well, usually there's a little more faith involved. You don't seem to have any right now."

"I asked for a blessing didn't I? That's as much faith as I can muster."

He looked me up and down, took a deep breath, and placed his hands on my head. He started the blessing and I didn't feel a thing. I was a little irked by this but I also kind of expected it. When I'm feeling really down I can't feel the Spirit. It just can't get through the crazy. I took mental notes of what he said and gave him an empty hug when he finished. Then I cleaned the front room. Then I made dinner. Then we had family night and put up Christmas decorations. By the time I went to bed I was quite surprised by what I got done. I figured the day was a bust but I was starting to think maybe it was okay.

This morning I woke up late and remembered that I had a visiting teaching appointment. I was a half hour late but I did get there. My companion had the flu and couldn't come so it was up to me to supply the message. When I finally cracked the Ensign I was surprised to find the quotation from President Uchtdorf:

The gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness. The Lord know your circumstances and your challenges. He said to Paul ad to all of us, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.' And like Paul we can answer: 'My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.'

Those were the words my husband had said in my blessing. He didn't say it exactly the way President Uchtdorf did but that's what he said. I'm still surprised--and grateful. The Lord gave me the blessing twice; once when I needed it and once when He knew I'd hear it. That means a lot to me. He truly is the God that knows us so well he can number the hairs of our heads.

Oh, also in the blessing the Lord reminded me to reach out to the support systems I've built. So thanks to you all for being a part of my support system and for reaching out to me. Your comments really helped!


Lacey said...

Isn't it amazing the way that the Lord takes care of us? I'm so glad you're doing better today.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your post. I happened upon your blog today while blog surfing and it's just what I needed to hear. I'm a Mormom girl living with depression-your post helped me. I hope I never get a nose bleed that way!

Charlotte said...

A beautiful example of the Lord's tender mercies in your life. Kudos to you both for recognizing the experience for the gift it is and for having the prescience to write it down! I'm so glad you are so open about all of this & that you are feeling better.

smdc said...

Thank you for not giving up, but pushing through. It inspires the rest of us that it can be done, even when it seems impossible.

Elizabeth-W said...

So glad things are looking up.

jendoop said...

What you said about the Spirit not being able to get through the crazy made so much sense to me. When that happens I feel even more horrible because I think that everyone else is feeling the great spirit of this and I feel nothing, if anything I feel mad. How messed up am I?
Just wanted to let you know I know what you're talking about. Thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles.