Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What happens in a psychiatrist's office (part 2)

For part one click here.

Actually, this part takes place outside the psychiatrist's office. It happens over the phone and goes like this:

ME: Well, it's been one month since I visited my PFF, I'd best give her a call. (dials phone. waits while it rings. Makes annoyed face when answering machine picks up and points out that PFF's hours are Tuesday-Friday noon to 5:00 pm.)Um, hi. This message is for Dr. PFF. This is Laura and I met with you a month ago and you said to call you so I'm calling. . . Yeah. . . thanks.

Two days later

ME: (talking to friend who has had experience with a PFFs' offices) My PFF hasn't called back. What am I supposed to do? Do I call and leave another message?

FRIEND: I'd give it a week. They always take a week to get back to you.

Five days later

ME: (answering phone in the middle of rushed dinner during which I am trying to shove food down my toddler's throat before I leave for my ASL class) Hello? Who? Oh! Dr. PFF. Yes, sure, now's a good time. . . [Here's where I gave her some brief info about my emotional upheavals of late, part of which I now feel okay stating was an early first trimester miscarriage, and that my therapist recommended I go back up to my regular dose of Cymbalta. PFF agreed with my therapist's thoughts and hung up.]


Okay, so that really wasn't dramatic enough to warrant a dramatic writing style but that's kind of my point. I thought my phone call to the PFF would be a milestone for her. It really wasn't. It was just one more tick mark on the long, mundane chart that is my depression--at least from a clinical standpoint.

For me that phone call felt like defeat. It was admitting my failure at pregnancy and failures in other areas of my life. It was accepting the ultimate failure of my careful plans. It was the point that made me stop and reconsider and own up to the fact that things were different. I'd been trying to act like nothing had changed. The miscarriage was early enough that I told myself it didn't really matter. But it, and the other things that happened right on it's tail, did.

I tried going back up to my regular dose, but it made me sick. After a couple days I was a nauseous narcoleptic so I decided to go back to my lower dose. I'm not sick but my mood has been a little more mercurial, which is making me nervous. I don't have any refills left on the lower dose pills--that means another phone call to the PFF. Which I guess I'd better make soon, since it always takes at least a week to hear back!

I find myself fantasizing about the resurrection and how when I'm made whole I won't be depressed anymore and I won't have to take any pills and it will be easy to do the things I'm supposed to do. But that's kind of cold comfort. What I really want is for things to be easy now. Of course, in that way God is a little bit like that old song: you can't always get what you want; you get what you need. And what I need right now is another happy pill. *sigh*


Kaylanamars said...

I've avoided going to a psychiatrist. There are not any really good ones out here in Utah that I've heard about. So I've stuck with my family doctor and he's pretty easy going. It is so tough dealing with depression and anxiety. Everything, at least for me, is a million times harder to deal with than the average person. Life, pregnancy, being a parent, church, school, job, relationships....

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I hope things look brighter soon. Thanks for sharing your struggles with depression and being Mormon. It's nice to know there are those out there with similar trials!

Luisa Perkins said...

You are so great to post this.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I had one between my second and third child. It was very early, and at the time I thought I handled it okay. Looking back now, I realize I got into quite a trough (I wasn't on medication).

It sounds like you are handling things beautifully, despite the pain.

Laura said...

Thanks for the support friends! It always helps to hear kind words :)

sarah louise said...

This past winter I had two late first trimester miscarriages within 4 months of each other. I had PPD after each one. I really struggled (and still am). It seems others move one pretty well after miscarriages. I am not. It has a lot to do with my depression. I hate that everything seems to be so much harder to deal with when you have depression.
I had to get back on meds after being off them for 3 1/2 years. I couldn't handle the PPD and the emotional aftermath on my own. It was very hard to get back on meds. I too feel like a failure at 2 pregnancies, and a failure that I can't handle my life and depression without meds. I also can't wait until my brain functions normally!

Thanks again for helping those of us going through this. And I am so very sorry about the loss of your baby. My heart aches for you.

Charlotte said...

You've really been through a lot lately and I'm sorry it's been so hard for you! Good for you for taking care of yourself and keeping up with your meds and your appointments and everything else you do (ASL classes!). And again, I'm so sorry for your miscarriage; it is a real loss.

Coffinberry said...


jendoop said...

I SOOO identify with your last paragraph.

Nurse Heidi said...

I'm sorry to hear that you miscarried! Any pregnancy loss is hard :(. Plus the ups and downs of prego hormones on top of your regular depression = not fun.

If it makes you feel any better, I have snapped at primary kids before too. I had one little girl last year that would have crying spells that were very manipulative. She could turn it on or off at the drop of a hat. So I ignored her until she stopped. And some of the other teachers thought I was such a meanie. Probably am.

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