Sunday, August 2, 2009

Turning for Peace

I'm not sure why but sometimes churchy stuff seems to exaggerate my mood disorder more than help it. Maybe it's because Church stuff is all pre-scripted. Like, my Primary teachers and YW leaders (who all meant well; this is not a criticism of them) told me how I should feel about stuff, but my feelings didn't always match up with the expected feelings and that spiritual dissonance took root in me. I think I felt (feel?) guilty for not feeling what I'm supposed to feel.

This last fast Sunday was a little like that for me. Really, my feelings were all over the place. I was annoyed when we got to Church. As I took the bread and water, I was overwhelmed by Christ's sacrifice for me and my heart fell to pieces. Once testimonies started I was tired. The mood swings just went from there. I was substituting my oldest daughter's Primary class that day and by the end of sacrament meeting I was oished. There was no way I could sit through opening exercises and sharing time with a bunch of rowdy CTR 6's without snapping at someone. One of them started complaining the minute I sat down. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I don't care. Let it go. Don't tell me about it because I don't care."

Probably not what a kid is looking for when he comes to Primary.

So I left for a little while. I turned and walked out of that room. I found a shady spot outside and pulled out my Ipod. When I turned it on I was happy that the first song was one that always brings me peace. I worried for a minute that it wasn't a Church song but since it calmed my heart I went with it. The song is from the movie Uncorked. (Which is my favorite movie, despite what the users at imdb think. It rocks. You should watch it.) Sometimes to find peace, we have to turn away from all our obligations for a little bit--even the spiritual ones. And that's okay because by turning away you're giving yourself the option to turn back and do better.

I thought I'd post the song here for you in case you were in need of a break too. The first version is the song with a nice wannabe arty photo montage. The second is the version from the film. Enjoy!


queensister said...

Laura, bravo for even being willing to teach a primary class! Last week I led singing time, but that is the first thing I've committed to in a long (like 2+ years) time. I never know if I'll be up to 3 hours of church, let alone being present enough to teach. I frequently go home for a nap instead of attending relief society. Sometimes the nap is necessary so I can deal with my family after church. It's all about doing the best we can--your offerings are acceptable.
Have you read the article on Postpartum depression in the Aug. Ensign? I think it's pretty good.

Charlotte said...

I love that song! And that movie. It sounds like you did the right thing and took care of yourself.

I agree with you about church btw - sometimes it brings out the best in me and other times...

Keri said...

I teach the 11 and 12 years old. Me and my husband. My husband does the lesson and I try to keep the kids quiet. haha They are pretty good though.
A friend of mine at work said this to me once.....which btw I don't agree with her at all! She is young, just married about 3 yrs maybe and no kids so she kind of thinks she knows everything already. you know what I mean? she said something like this...
if people would exercise, eat right, pray etc they wouldn't have depression. I think those things help your mind, spirit and body but they don't cure depression alone. Sometimes people need medication and therapy. Which I have had therapy and I am still on medication. I look forward to testimony meeting. This past week wasn't earth shattering for me though. I hope someday I will have a strong testimony like others seem to have. Me, my husband and kids went through the Temple about 5 years ago and I felt like I should have FELT something more. I felt distracted and unwanted thoughts. Has anyone else ever felt that way? I almost always always have a nap after church! It does me good.