Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Feeling like #$%@

This is totally what I feel like today. Absolutely ludicrous. Although, the good news is looking at this pic really makes me want to laugh at myself.

So, this morning marks the end of eleven days of family and fun. Starting back on June 25th we had family in town for a reunion and my oldest daughter's baptism.

It was awesome. I enjoyed the time with all of the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I loved seeing my kids connect with the relatives. I loved seeing all the little quirks we have in common and all the ways we are different.

But. . .

(You knew there was one of those coming, right?)

The build-up to all the fun just about killed me. And then the fun itself exhausted me. (To see some pics of the fun, check out my sister's blog posts for this day and this day.)And today I feel like &$!#. (Feel free to fill in your favorite expletive or string of expletives. Whatever you're feeling this morning.) I just want to crawl into a corner and cry myself to sleep. Never mind the fact that my house is a complete disaster and my children would probably give way to their most base impulses and the law of the jungle would be king.

If I'm being honest with myself, signs of burnout kicked in right about the time family started to show up. I had a couple distressing episodes of hyper-emotionality during the reunion. I tried to handle it as best I could, but the fact is I'm embarrassed and mad at myself for letting other people see me at my worst.

This is not uncommon for me. Last year we avoided any family reunion type stuff because it is usually followed by a depressive episode and with the new baby it just seemed like a bad idea. Seriously, the day after all the people go home and the hubby goes back to work and I am alone with the kids trying to impose some sort of routine. . . well, it sucks. Big time. My brain falls into all of it's old destructive thought patterns. I'm snappy with the kids. I get stuck in my mind and can't just let things go and cycle and cycle around inside the crazy which only adds to the stress.

I think I'm not alone in this. My sister-in-law just ran the Ragnar relay in Utah (for which I have to say she is completely, completely awesome!!!) but she fessed up on Facebook to feeling completely depressed since then. My sister usually has a pretty crappy couple days post-reunion also, although I'm not sure if she would characterize it as a mental/emotional downturn. Come to think of it, I usually have this after the holidays too.

I'm going to just grit my teeth today and bear it. I'm going to let go of some of the chores and clean-up until tomorrow. I'm probably going to let the kids watch a movie this afternoon so I can nap. I'm going to remember that I am not Superwoman, that I don't have to be Superwoman, and that I am not a failure--not matter how much my brain is telling me that I suck and I'm fat and ugly and will never be successful at anything and I should just give up now and die. As crazy as this sounds, I'm going to let the depressed thoughts come, I'm going to acknowledge them for what they are ("Wow, that one was a big batch of crazy!") and I'm going to let them go. No obsessing allowed. No further guilting allowed.

Wish me luck.

Anyway, I'm wondering how many of you experience this post-big-awesome-fun-event fallout? What do you do about it?


Jessie said...

This has happened to me! It is actually occurring right now. My husband and I just got back from his family reunion in Southern Utah. I have social anxiety, plus it was my birthday on Sunday, plus when we were traveling we broke down in Nephi for 4 hours. It was a mess. And yesterday my husband tried throwing a birthday party for me, which i was just tired and very quiet at. Unfortunately I do not have any children yet and I don't start school again until the fall so right now I have no routine and have been in bed up to this point today. I don't have anything specific that I do, but my mom, who also has depression, eases her way and the kids back into a routine after holidays or vacations. Maybe you could try that?
Good luck.

Lura said...

Oh honey! I'm sorry you are feeling this way! And I know, it totally sucks. But you will get through it! My doctor gave me some good advice: "Don't be depressed about being depressed." For what's it worth, don't feel bad about it. Yes, DO let the kids watch a movie while you take a nap! Call your visiting teacher and ask her to bring you dinner (or a freind, if your VT isn't that close). BREATHE! This too shall pass.
I am finally almost recovered from my post-Ragnar depression (thanks for mentioning me! Strange, but it made me feel special).
Hang in there... hugs :)

Charlotte said...

Heck yes I get this way! Although honestly my biggest emotional meltdowns are right *before* the big event. ONce I'm there me and my bowels usually calm down. Now that I'm home I am totally overwhelmed with the amount of cleaning and work I have to do. I am so sorry it is hitting you so hard today! I think it's worse because we all see each other so seldom that every moment seems like it needs to be Totally! Freaking! Awesome! because they're so precious. But that's a lot of pressure, sigh. It sounds like you are handling it perfectly. Acknowledge the crazy, take a nap (and chocolate milk!) sounds like the perfect antidote to me! I LOVE YOU!!!

Dianna said...

Yes, this is just what I needed to read tonight. I can identify with everything you wrote. Besides that, the photo is so appropriate. Thanks!